Dark times, days filled with overwhelming feeling, anxiety and self-doubt.

When you work on behalf of others, it can be quite difficult to feel validated. We frequently overlook the fact that we must complete these tasks in order to affirm and recognize ourselves.

I mustered up the confidence to write once again on this particular day. Anyone who knows me well knows that whenever I write, it’s always when I’m feeling heavy, melancholy, and discouraged. My ability to think clearly about my future decreases as the days pass. My mental sea is at its deepest. I sometimes cry whenever I think about what might happen but as I pour my heart out, I give my best to study. Life has always been this hard but this level of difficulty is something I think I can’t handle.

Isaiah 41:10

i miss you :((( 🥺

How can you unlove someone who made you feel that the love you’ve given is too much to take in 

2019. Nursing School: 2nd year 1st sem definitely got me thinking if this is my dream anymore. Technically speaking, i badly want to become a lawyer, not to give myself the “mighty high ” way of overwhelming feeling.. but to answer all the whys and what ifs around me that affects how i feel and think.

All the nights I wonder …

I’ve had use all of my courage to let him know how i feel about him but all the nights i wonder if we’re on the same page. I wonder if he miss me like i miss him. Every time i wake up he’s the first thing on my mind.

Since this is my secret diary, only those people who follow me will know all about my thoughts. For the past months I’ve been living with pure peace. On the first month, I once asked myself, What happened? why did you value people so much who doesn’t value you the same way. But then i stopped when I realized that maybe being distant for almost 2 years , the heavens were preparing me to taste the peace that I’ve been praying for. 

Now, I’m at my happiest, I love how peaceful my life is with some people in it. Thankful to those who stayed with me thru thick and thin, who stayed when they heard bad things about me and people who stayed because they believed me. Will always be grateful for the love and support <3

Over the months that we’re at quarantine, the five people you meet in heaven has been my safe haven. A book with genuine intentions, has the power to whip up emotions and comfort its readers. It was definitely a roller coaster ride. It made me buy the book even tho i’ve read it online. It somehow made me feel valid and it made me realize that there are things we feel that needs an answer.

The next person you meet in heaven was definitely one for the books ( as of the moment for I am still reading Tuesdays with morrie). It’s how 1 decision can lead to some unexpected things then it’ll make you ask yourself, what if i had taken the other way around? what if we didn’t push through? it will always be the “what if” , the decision you make for “No story sits by itself. Our lives connect like threads on a loom.”

Here’s one of my favorite quotes “But just because you have silenced a memory does not mean you are free of it”, that would describe how my 2020 went.

May our last remaining days of 2020 be the best among the months we’ve felt helpless and vulnerable.

Navillera which I often misspell as naverilla idk bakit lagi akong namamali . I consider this as one of my favorite dramas of 2021, at first I just watched this because of Song Kang but as I’m about to finish the 1st episode with lots of tears , I know deep in my heart this drama will stay in my mind& heart. Pretty underrated but as a crybaby who easily cries when I can relate to the scenes, I get very emotional everytime I watch this. Ep1-11 . I know I’m not that vocal about the drama, but as i type this long ass appreciation post, Let me share to you some of the things that the drama taught me.

1. You can still pursue your dreams with the help of hard work, perseverance and determination.
2. Shifting career is okay as long as your are happy , you don’t have to stay if it doesn’t make you happy anymore.
2. There will be no perfect time to be ready
3. You have a lot of time to figure out what you want in life
4. Family will always be the top priority
5. We should value our family’s sacrifices
6. We shouldn’t force ourselves to be caged in our parents’ own will or dreams for us
7. We have to believe in ourselves.
8. As a family, we have to support each other
9. Our feelings are valid but some of our actions aren’t.
10. In life , words of appreciation and people who will always be there for you will help you get through the day.
11. There will be people that will come to your life and will lighten your dark path.

 This drama is making me realize a lot of things. Ghad Im sobbing

It’s really hard when you don’t have a home friend, a best friend , a keeper and most importantly your kind of person.

 During the times where you get tired from washing the dishes, some ideas popped into your mind. Yes, what do you regret the most?

   People might say wasting time, giving lots of effort but still , it’s not enough or maybe bad decisions. But for me, i regret the times I took everything for granted, the times I forbid myself to reflect and the times I went impulsive. 

  I regret the times I was so shy that I’ve missed a lot of opportunities to grow, to realize and to learn. There was a time where I don’t even feel confident ( e.g speaking in front of a crowd), I got so conscious about everything where in fact all is good.

  I regret the times people’s judgement made an impact on how I should view my self, it took me over and over again, like a tornado torturing my mind, day & night.

  I regret the times I became dependent on my friends, like a safety blanket that will never leave my side, but change is the only constant in our lives. It took me years to digest the things happening around me. Slowly day by day , I get distant to people I know will definitely leave me soon because that’s the only coping mechanism I know to shield me from too much pain. 

midnight thoughts xx